Haven’t done a DAPS in a while :D here’s a 3-parter.

Opening up more: Is it possible to open up more? Yea but that all depends on your level of comfortability. I’ve sadly realized, though I’ve tried desperately to change and make an effort in bettering myself, but I’m still me.

I never wanted to completely change my being, that would be scary and not conducive. What I did want was more than a semblance of change, I wanted actual hard evidence that I did change. I mean in certain areas I can see that. I can definitely see me changing (I’ve got a much stronger feminist view of things now), but it’s not the change I wanted. I want to be more open to people. I’m a very reserved body and it’s hard for me to casually divulge information about myself or be open to the point where I can look back and say “yea, fuck it. It doesn’t matter that I said that”. It’s not so much me being open now that I think about it, I think it’s much more about me being comfortable with myself as a person. It’s fine to let people know more about a certain side of yourself but I feel like it’s almost like I let friends know a specific part of me and don’t let them experience another because that part of myself is the part they have attached to. I also have realized and now accept that I’m a very boring bitch. This is not to gain pity points, it’s the plain fucking truth, I’m boring as all hell. On the boring scale where 10 is paint drying on the wall, I’m a solid fucking 7. I just don’t ever consistently have something witty or funny or interesting to offer to conversation.

Maybe if I were more open, that wouldn’t be a problem. I’ve no clue, it’s a wild theory but I’ve always felt the people who were open with themselves (which I feel I am) and open with others (which I am not) had more fruitful lives. How do I plan to fix my reservedness? I don’t know, it’s been a problem since forever. I think it comes from my elementary school days wherein if I said anything that didn’t help the flow of the conversation I was shunned and even if I did help the conversation, I was shunned because they felt the need to make fun of me. Hum, only time can tell on that one?

Opinions: Till recently, I had been terrified of opinions because I didn’t want to make someone uncomfortable and I didn’t want them making me uncomfortable. I enjoy peoples opinions but it’s the delivery that gets me every time. I don’t care why you don’t like something I like, it’s just generally (and usually) interesting/helpful to know you don’t like it. I’ve been getting weird ass vibes that when people tell me their opinions they are hoping for me to cross over and be their opinion butt-buddy…not going to happen. My morals and ideologies (for the most part) are pretty much set in stone. I don’t ever foresee myself falling over trying to accept someone else’s opinions cause I don’t really care at the end of the day. It may appear as if I’m listening but if your opinion is so polar and something that I don’t agree with, I’ll hurry that conversation along because I don’t give a fuck about what your saying cause my opinions are set in stone. I can’t listen to something that I consider bullshit based on my views…that just ends up killing me inside and I can’t afford to lose anymore of my “character”. How do you know I’m not listening? I’ll begin to go “right” and “yea” and there is a 99.9% chance I will not respond to prolong the conversation, ESPECIALLY if you’re a repeat offender for trying to shove your opinions down my throat. There is a difference between having strong opinions and shoving them down my throat and I see the distinction because I don’t ever shove, there’s no point.

What I will do, is say how I feel about a topic if prompted and if ignorance is spewed. Example you ask my dear follower? Well here’s a perfect one. We were getting dinner for a friend’s friend’s birthday and one of the friend’s friend’s said something along the lines of “Rihanna’s crazy and deserved it”. Record stopped, scratched, skipped and nearly combusted into flames in my mind — that’s blatant ignorance to me. No woman (or person) should EVER have to put up with being savagely hit ever. Point blank. Period. I won’t even go into how I feel about because it’s pretty evident what I feel about it. Even if Rihanna “started it” you should have enough competence as a man to not pummel her face into the ground. She’s CONSIDERABLY smaller than that piece of shit and he thought it’d be appropriate to hit her? Oy, I can’t…I can’t…

Are We All Okay?: Just how do you define happiness says a lot. For myself, I can’t define happiness, I’ve been content for so long I don’t really grasp happiness anymore. I’m happy when I’m with my family, I’m happy when I have something I really wanted, I’m happy when I feel love and respected…but what defines ok? Are we okay with ourselves? Where we are in life? Where we’re going? I’m ok with myself…I think…but then again I’m never completely okay with myself because I am constantly analyzing and fixing myself to better myself. Am I making the problem worse or am I progress? Hum…that’s a solid question. But really what makes us ok?